I can’t remember anyone calling me Amanda much after I started my period...
I remember that morning just like it was yesterday. It was late June 1984. It was the beginning of a new existence for me. My needs, passions, and desires all began to change that day. All the events in this story are true ... The facts are recorded in my diaries. I have changed some names to protect the guilty.
It all started just before my 15th birthday. It was a Friday morning. I had just woken up. As I started to get out of bed I felt wetness between my legs. I had never wet the bed before. I wondered why it was wet now. When I looked on to the bed I could see that it was covered in blood. I looked between my legs. I was covered in blood. I started to scream. I thought I was dying. My mother came into the room and immediately knew what was happening. I could see my daddy standing in the doorway looking at me with a strange smile on his face. He didn’t come into the room. He just stood in the doorway staring at me. Finally, my mom got up and closed the door. I could hear her telling him that this was girl stuff.
Over the next several weeks my mother explained to me what it was to be a female. She told me about all the functions of the vagina, uterus, and ovaries. She told me about the differences between men and women. She told me about intercourse and how it produced a baby.
“Amanda,” she said. “You are kind of late to be starting your period. Some girls start very early, some later. You just happen to be one of ones to start later.”
I wondered why my daddy acted as though nothing had happened. He never said anything to me about what he saw that morning. I wanted so badly for my daddy to talk to me about it. He never really talked to me about anything. He had always been kind to me. He would let me do almost anything I wanted, but he would never hold me in his arms. He never showed me any affection at all. I remember asking my mom if my daddy loved me. She told me that some men just didn’t know how to show affection.
I wasn’t into socializing very much with others of my own age. My interests seemed so different from theirs. On Saturdays I would spend my days at the public library. I would read books about faraway places. I would imagine myself on an African adventure. I imagined myself hunting wild beasts, like lions and tigers. Things changed for me the day I started my period. I became obsessed with finding out more information about sex. I read every adult book I could find. In a short while I thought I knew everything there was to know about sex. I began to fantasize about what it would be like the first time a man would touch me. I wondered if it would hurt terribly when he put his penis inside my vagina for the first time. I wondered what it would be like to touch a man’s penis. I thought I had learned so much. My mother and the books taught me a lot, but I had never experienced anything.
One day when my parents weren’t home I was snooping through my father’s den ... I had done this many times before. On this particular day a drawer that was usually locked was left open. When I opened the drawer I saw that it was full of pocketbooks. They looked like very cheap books. They had simple covers with no pictures. There must have been over thirty books in the drawer. I pulled all the books out onto the floor. As I lifted the last book out of the drawer I saw a key lying on the bottom of it. I tried the key in the lock of the drawer. It was the key for the drawer. I sat in my daddy’s big chair and started to read one of the books. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.
Rape, Murder, Bondage, Torture, Incest, Bestiality...
I had no idea what the meanings of the words were. I felt terrified at first. They were talking about things I had never dreamt of. I was almost finished reading the book when I looked up to see what time it was. I almost died. I had been sitting in his chair for over two hours. It was almost 4:00 p.m ... My daddy would be home any minute. I threw all the books back into the drawer and closed it. For some reason I kept the key.
Every night for the next several days all I could think about was the contents of those books. I wondered why my father would have them. I wondered if that was why he never touched me. Was it because I wasn’t like the girls in his books? Was it because he was afraid that if he were to touch me he wouldn’t be able to stop himself? I had tried so many times to sit on my daddy’s knee. He always lifted me off of him. I would sit beside him on the couch hoping that he would put his arm around me and cuddle me close to him. He always acted as if I wasn’t there. Was this what my daddy wanted? Did he want to do the things that were in his books? I decided to take another look at his books.
One afternoon while my mother was in the kitchen and my father was at work I snuck back to his office and stole another of his books. I took the book up to my room. I spent the afternoon reading it. It was a story about a young girl. She was eight years old. She had been kidnapped by a bunch of men. They did terrible things to her. They made her take all her clothes off. They beat her and tied her up. They put their penises in her mouth. When they were finished with her they cut her up with knives. They killed her. Then they fed her body to their dogs.
I was sweating when I finished the book. My body was trembling. I hardly had enough energy to get off my bed and take the book back before my father came home. Over the next few days I read every book that was it my father’s office. I had read stories about girls with animals, girls being made into sex slaves, and murder and mutilation. A part of me found the stories totally revolting. They made me feel sick to my stomach. But another part of me found them intriguing. The one thing I noticed in all the stories was how much the men wanted to be with the girls. They would do anything to have a girl for themselves. It excited me to think about men wanting me that badly. I didn’t think about the terrible things that happened to the girls. All I could think about was the attention they got. Every night when I went to bed I would put my hands between my legs and pretend it was a man doing it. I couldn’t get the stories out of my mind. Getting so much attention from a stranger, like the girls in my daddy’s books was all I could think about.
It was 9:00 AM Saturday morning. I was getting ready to go downtown to the library. My daddy was having coffee at the kitchen table. He looked over his newspaper at me. He sat there staring at me for what seemed an eternity ... I was becoming very nervous. I wondered if he knew that I had been reading his books. He seemed to be looking at me differently.
“Amanda,” he said to me, “you are becoming a beautiful young lady. You must be careful when you go downtown alone. The library is just a few blocks away from Main Street. You should never go there.”
He said that there were very bad people down there. He got off his chair and came towards me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tightly to his body. It felt wonderful in his arms. I could feel the heat from his body. He kissed me on the forehead. Then it was over. He turned and went back to his chair.
As I got off the bus in front of the library I looked down towards Main Street. I wondered what my daddy had meant when he said bad people were down there. I wondered if he meant that there were men like the men in his book on Main Street. I stood in front of the big doors of the library for almost ten minutes before I decided that I was going down to Main Street...
It was a beautiful spring day. It was warm and sunny. I was wearing a light summer dress. It had buttons all the way up the front. Just before I reached Main Street there was a large department store. I was looking into the window of the store when I noticed my reflection. I stood looking at myself in the reflection wondering if I looked anything like the girls in my daddy’s stories. I was just under five feet tall. My light curly brown hair fell over my shoulders. I could see the reflection of my blue-green eyes looking back at me. My sleeveless dress was cut very short. It was almost three inches above my knees. My breasts were just starting to form. I could see my training bra through the thin fabric of my dress. I tried to tuck my dress into the waistband so that it would rise a little higher at the hemline. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I wasn’t sure why I was doing it. I just knew that it made me feel good.
As I walked down Main Street I felt very uneasy. Everything seemed so dirty. I had never seen so much garbage in my life. There were men sitting on benches and leaning against the buildings all along the street. As I walked by they would stare at me. I had seen men looking at me before, but they had always turned their heads away when I looked back at them. These men just kept staring at me. I felt very nervous to be amongst them. As I walked down the street I looked into the windows of the stores. They all seemed to be selling old things. I began to feel like I was being followed. It was like everyone was staring at me. I was beginning to wonder if I had done the right thing. Yet, I had a feeling of excitement rushing through my body like I had never felt before. I could feel the wetness between my legs.
I stopped in front of a building that had a ticket booth in front of it. I looked up at the huge sign hanging over it. “Starlight”, it said. It was an old movie theater. I looked at the posters on the wall. There was a war movie playing. It wasn’t any movie that I had ever seen. It was only 10:30 AM. I was sure that there would be more activity on the street in the afternoon. I thought that I might feel better if there were more people around. I needed something to do till then. I decided to go into the movie house for a few hours. When I went up to the lady at the ticket booth she looked at me really strange. I thought she must have been wondering why I would be on Main Street all by myself. I told her that my daddy had told me to come here while he went for a beer. She smiled down at me and gave me the ticket.
When I walked into the theater the movie was already playing. It was an old black and white movie. I had never seen a black and white movie before. I walked down the aisle towards the seats. It really stunk. It smelled like a dirty bathroom. As my eyes started to adjust to the darkness I could see that the theater was almost empty. There couldn’t have been more than twenty people in it. I decided to sit over against the far wall. It was darker there than anywhere else in the theater. For some reason I felt like I would get in trouble if they saw me there alone.
I had been in the theater about a half-hour when I heard someone walking down the aisle behind me. I could see out of the corner of my eye that it was a big fat man in a large raincoat. He was turning down my aisle. He sat in the seat beside me. He smelled really bad, like booze and sweat. I tried to ignore him as I watched the movie. After about fifteen minutes I could feel his leg pressing against my leg. I slowly moved my eyes down. I didn’t want him to notice. My legs were slightly spread. I was taking up a little more room that I should have. I figured it was his polite way of telling me to move my leg over. I moved my legs over several inches. My arm was resting on the armrest between us. I felt his arm start pushing against mine. I had as much right as him to have my arm there. I decided he wasn’t going to push my arm off. He kept pushing harder on my arm. Finally I gave in. I lowered my arm to my lap. I could feel his leg pushing against my leg again. I looked down to see if I was still hogging the foot space ... This time his leg was over on my side. He began to rub his leg against mine. I decided to push back. Our legs were rocking back and forth. It was like a game. I was having fun. I even started to giggle. I felt the man’s hand fall off the armrest onto my side of the seat. I could feel his hand resting against my thigh. My heart was beginning to race. I wondered if he knew that his hand was touching my thigh. I was having trouble breathing. I didn’t want him to know what I was feeling. I pretended nothing had happened. He shifted in his seat. Somehow his dirty old raincoat fell across my lap. I grabbed onto a corner of it and flung it back onto him, giggling the whole time. He threw his raincoat over my lap again. This time I left it there. I could feel one of his fingers rubbing against my bare thigh. It was sending vibrations through my entire body. I could feel the heat rising into my face. It felt like someone had just raised the temperature twenty degrees in the theater.
All my senses told me to get up and run. Something was making me stay. I never felt so excited in all my life. I somehow knew that this man wanted something from me that no other man had ever wanted before. I felt so important. As his fingers started to caress the outside of my thigh our bantering with our legs slowly stopped. His raincoat was over my lap and his hand was under it, caressing my thigh. I was scared to death. Yet I was thrilled that this man wanted to touch my body. I sat motionless, almost unable to breathe. His hand was stroking my upper leg. I did something that even shocked me. I slid forward on my seat till my knees hit the seat in front of me. The roundness of the back of the seat caused my legs to spread. My dress rode up almost to my waist. I couldn’t believe what I had just done ... I was so excited my head was spinning. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. My mind kept telling me to flee. My body wanted to stay and be touched. My body was in total control. When the man saw what I had done he turned towards me and smiled.
“I can see that you are a very good girl”, he whispered into my ear. “What is your name my dear?”
“Mandi,” I answered shyly.
“That’s a very lovely name,” he whispered, “And you are a very beautiful young lady.”
His voice sounded old and gruff. There was something about it that made me feel at ease. I could sense his approval of me. His hand began to rub on the inside of my thigh. I had moved so far forward that my head was below the back of the seat. His hand was caressing my legs and my belly. He was rubbing in circular motions on my belly. I could feel his hand getting lower all the time. I felt his finger touching the waistband of my panties. His hand slowly caressed the top of my panties. It was going lower and lower all the time. I felt his fingers go between my legs. I tensed up. No one had ever touched my vagina before. My emotions were running wild. I felt like I was going to pass out. I could feel his finger starting to rub over my panties on the lips of my vagina. I had never felt anything so wonderful before. I closed my eyes putting my head back into the seat. My breathing had become so heavy that I was starting to moan. With his other hand the man touched my mouth. I knew he was telling me to be quiet. I closed my mouth. I tried to breathe through my nose. I felt his finger pushing my panties aside. His fingers were now under my panties. He pushed the crotch aside, until my vagina was totally exposed. I could feel his rough fingers trying to spread open the lips of my vagina. I felt like I was in one of my fantasies. I loved the feeling of his fingers probing my vagina. Without thinking I lifted myself off the seat to make it easier for his probing fingers. He leaned over to me again.
“You really are a good little girl. I can see that you are enjoying yourself. I can make you feel wonderful if you let me,” he whispered again in my ear.
I had never felt such emotions. I had never experienced someone wanting me as this man wanted me. I was so proud. I felt so important. There was nothing I wanted more than to please this man. To drink in his affection on me. He leaned over and with his other hand he took my hand into his. He slowly pulled it over onto his lap. He put my hand down onto his leg. It was beside his crotch. His other hand was still between my legs. His fingers were making little circular motions over my clit. I felt like I was in heaven. My body was tingling all over. I didn’t try to take my hand away when he put it down on his leg. I just left it there. He started to squirm around in his seat. I knew he wanted me to do something. I started to rub his leg just a little. I felt him taking my hand into his again. He lifted it just a little closer to his crotch. I felt something soft and hot. I didn’t know what it was at first. Then it hit me. It was his penis that my hand was touching. I quickly pulled my hand away, just enough so that it wasn’t touching his penis. I let it rest back onto his leg. He again took my hand in his. I knew what he was going to do. I let my arm go limp. He opened my fingers and closed them around his penis. My heart was pounding so hard I thought that it would burst. He was holding my hand around his penis. He started going up and down with my hand around his penis. He let my hand go. I didn’t try to take my hand off his penis, but I did stop going up and down on it. He took my hand into his again. He started moving it up and down ... This time when he released my hand I continued to do what he wanted. I could feel his penis getting larger. It felt so hot. I loved the feel of it. I had an idea what was happening. My mother had told me a lot about how a man’s penis worked. My daddy’s books had taught me a lot more. I felt very powerful as I pumped his penis. I could hear him starting to moan. He leaned towards me.
“Faster Mandi. Do it just a little bit faster. Yes, yes that’s right. That’s the way,” he whispered to me.
He started to jerk in his seat. He moaned quite loudly. I was worried that someone might hear him. His hand between my legs was beginning to hurt my vagina. It felt like he was trying to push his fingers into me. For some reason I didn’t mind the pain at all; in fact, it was exciting me terribly. All of a sudden I could feel wetness in my hand. It felt slimy and hot. He was moaning louder. My hand was covered in slime. I could feel it squirting out of his penis. I felt wonderful. I knew that I had done what he wanted ... His arm came out and around my shoulders. He pulled me tightly to his body.
“You are such a good little girl. You need to be rewarded,” he whispered into my ear.
As he was whispering to me I could feel movement on my other side. For a moment I thought it was the usher. I thought we had been caught. Then I felt another hand resting on my leg. I couldn’t turn around to see who it was ... The old man was holding me too tight. I felt the hand moving quickly between my legs. Spreading my panties to the side. Now both of the men had their hands on my vagina. Their fingers were probing between the lips of my vagina. It really hurt. For some reason I didn’t care. All I could think about was receiving their attention.
“She really is a hot little cunt. Isn’t she?” the new stranger said. “Her cunt is soaking wet. Are we going to take her back to our place so I can get in on the action?”
The new stranger put his mouth beside my ear. “Does your daddy fuck you? You are such a hot little cunt. Somebody must be fucking you. Is it your daddy?” He kept asking me.
“No!” I answered almost started to cry. “No one has ever touched me before ... I’m a virgin,” I protested.
The new stranger started to push his fingers into my vagina. The pain was so intense it almost made me stand up. If it weren’t for the older man holding me down I would have.
“Well, I’ll be damned.” The younger voice said loud enough for the older man to hear him. “I think she’s telling the truth. I think she is a virgin. I can’t get the tip of my finger into her cunt. I think we got us a little cherry here Daddy,” I heard him say to the older man.
The older man leaned down to me.
“This is my son, Billy. He is a very nice young man. He wants to give you things. If you come with us it will make me very happy. Will you to take my hand Mandi? Will you act as if I was your daddy? And come with us.”
I looked up into the eyes of the old man. I could see the yearning he had for me. I knew that he wanted me more than anything else in the world. I never felt so alive. I was so excited.
“Yes,” I said softly to him.
I felt the old man take my hand. I was full of fear of what might lie ahead. Yet I was so excited at the same time. I didn’t know what the men wanted to do to me. I didn’t really care. I just wanted their attention. I wanted to feel important. I wanted to be with them. I put my hand into his. As we got up to leave I turned back to see who the other man was. He was very small. Almost frail. He looked like he was about eighteen years old. When he saw me looking back at him he smiled at me, I could see a mouthful of rotten teeth. I didn’t know what fate awaited me. I wasn’t even thinking about it. I just knew that I was getting more attention then I had gotten in my entire life. The old man leaned down to me as we walked out of the theater.
“Don’t you worry my little angel. We will take very good care of you. You are about to have the most wonderful experience of your life,” he said smiling down at me.
We walked up to a back lane. The old man turned into it pulling me along behind him. The younger man was walking a few feet behind us. I wondered why we were walking down a back lane. We were beside an old white van. All of a sudden the old man opened the side door and threw me in. It all happened so fast. I didn’t have a chance to say anything. I hit my head on the far side of the van. I was seeing stars. When my head cleared I realize that the van was moving. The old man was driving. His son Billy was sitting on the floor in front of me. He was just staring at me. I opened my mouth to speak. At the same time I saw the flash of Billy’s fist. It hit me on the side of my head. I flew across the van. I felt Billy’s fist hit me three more times on the side of the head. I thought he was trying to kill me. I pretended to be unconscious. My heart was pounding wildly. What had I gotten myself into? I felt Billy lifting my dress. I felt his fingers go under the waistband of my panties. He started to rip at my panties. I heard him talking to his daddy.
“Can I do it when we are finished with her? Can I daddy? Can I do it this time please?” He was saying to his Daddy.
I feeling of terror rippled through my body. I had a pretty good idea what he was talking about. I wanted to scream. I knew it would do me no good. I was at their mercy. They could do anything they wanted with me. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I knew that my life was in danger. Yet I still felt a feeling of excitement. Knowing that they wanted me so badly was overpowering my feelings of fear. I could feel the wetness between my legs betraying me as Billy’s hands were trying to rip my panties off. Billy was pulling so hard that it was really beginning to hurt. I guess I must have screamed, I’m not sure. All of a sudden Billy and I were rolling towards the front of the van. The old man had slammed the brakes on.
“Billy, I’m going to smash your fucking head in with a brick if you don’t do as I tell you. I’ve told you before to leave the cunts alone till we get to the barn.” I heard the old man yell at Billy.
“I’m sorry daddy, I won’t touch her again I promise,” Billy pleaded.
Billy looked like a little boy that had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I found his situation so funny that I started to giggle. Billy spun around. He looked me in the eyes. The little boy had vanished. He looked more like a wild animal now. A shudder of fear ran its fingers up my spine. I pulled myself as far away as I could from him. My back was against the outside wall of the van. I lifted my legs and wrapped my arms around them. Billy moved closer to me, but then he pulled back a few feet ... I saw a broad smile starting to appear on his face. His eyes weren’t looking into mine. He seemed to be looking at the floor in front of me. It came to me what it was that he was staring at. I was wearing such a short dress and having my knees up was not a smart move on my part. My feet were slightly spread. I knew that he had a clear view of my panties. My first emotion was to drop my legs down. For some reason seeing his eyes staring between my legs excited me. I could see the hunger in his eyes. He looked up and our eyes met. I didn’t turn away. He lowered his eyes again to my panties. He crawled closer to me. His face was just inches from my feet ... I still had my shoes on. I could kick him. Maybe I could even knock him out if I kicked hard enough. I could feel the muscles tightening in my legs. He looked like a little boy who had just been given a new cap gun. It was a look of pleasure and excitement. I felt the muscles in my legs relax. I could feel the heat rising into my face again. The temperature had surely risen in the past two minutes. I had never seen anyone looking at me that way before. I could see the desire in his eyes. The desire was for me. I knew that he was thinking of nothing else but me. It made me feel wonderful. It made me tingle all over. A strange feeling came over me. I wanted him to reach out and touch me. I wanted to see even more pleasure in his eyes. I knew he was too afraid to do it. If I were to scream his father would be on him. His eyes were driving me crazy. It was like he was torturing me by not touching me. Without thinking, without any idea of what I was going to say my mouth opened by itself.
“Billy!” I gasped softly. He looked up at me. A strange look on his face.
“What are you looking at Billy?” I whispered.
He lifted up onto his knees. His face in front of mine. Our eyes just inches apart. I had never seen such a look of lust in anyone’s face before. The old man couldn’t see or hear anything that was happening. The van made lots of noise as it rolled along. Billy’s nose was almost touching mine. I could smell his stale breath. I could feel his need, his craving for me ... My heart was pounding like a trip hammer. My mind was spinning with excitement.
“You know fucking well what I’m looking at,” he growled, “I’m looking at your juicy cunt.”
“You can’t see through my panties,” I said rather defiantly. “I have my panties on.”
I could see a look of sadness come over his face. His mouth opened to speak but nothing came out. I knew that I had just destroyed his fantasy. It wasn’t what I had wanted to do. I knew that I had displeased him.
“Is that all that you want to do? Look at it?” I heard myself asking. My voice was trembling with excitement.
He began to grit his teeth and he glared into my face. His eyes wide open.
“You shouldn’t be trying to tease me little cunt. You will regret it later...” He sneered back at me.
With his face still just inches from mine I pushed my back up into the side of the van. I lifted my bum off the floor. I lowered my hands lifting my dress up to my waist. I could see his mouth drop open as his eyes followed my hands. He moved back for a better view. My fingers were trembling as I hooked them under the waistband of my panties. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. I had never exposed myself to anyone before. Now I was about to expose myself to someone who would just as soon kill me as look at me. Billy lay down onto the floor of the van preparing himself for the show. The look of joy had returned to his face. He was a child who was about to receive his favorite dessert. My emotions were running wild. I didn’t know if I was terrified or overjoyed. A part of me knew how much trouble I was in. Another part wouldn’t have left the van if they stopped it and opened the door for me. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I was going to pass out. I closed my eyes trying to calm myself. I could hear him repeating one word over and over again.
“Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes,” he kept saying under his breath.
I locked my thumbs under the waistband and started to push my panties down. I could feel them sliding down over my pubic bone. I kept my eyes closed ... I felt the waistband slide over and off my bum. I was past the point of no return. I lowered my bum back down to the floor. The coolness of the steel felt good. My panties were midway to my knees. As I slipped them over my knees they dropped from my hands falling to my ankles. I lifted one foot and slid my panties off of it. I could still hear Billy repeating that one word. He was saying it faster now as if inpatient to see his prize. I tried to imagine what he was feeling. I wanted to understand how he felt. I needed to feed from his lust. I wondered what he could see. I wondered if he could see my vagina yet. I wanted to please him. I wanted him to be pleased with me. I decided to spread my feet wide apart as I was removing my panties from the other foot. I could feel the cool air blowing through the van. I could feel its coolness across my exposed vagina. I felt little twitches as the cool air licked my vagina. I wondered what Billy was doing. I wondered what he thought, what he was feeling. I wanted so badly for him to like what I had just done for him that I started to pray that he would be pleased. I sat motionless with my head against the wall of the van. I was too afraid to open my eyes.
“What if I have disappointed him,” I thought to myself, “maybe he thinks my vagina is ugly.”