Chapter 6

JJ held my hand as we walked to the edge of the enclosed patio, but I dropped it there. “Security cameras.”

As I walked to my car, I was filled with doubts and guilt. What the fuck had I done? I had wanted JJ. I had been consumed with lust for JJ. After all the flirting and groping of last night, I was ready to fuck almost anyone. Yeah, the sex had been great with JJ. But now ... I felt so stupid for giving in to my desire. This wasn’t going to work. Being a pre-med student was death to relationships. Pre-med students didn’t hook up because they preferred that to dating; they did it because they didn’t have the time or energy to make a relationship work. When I inevitably broke up with JJ, I’d hurt her badly, and I didn’t want to do that. And then ... she’d still be my sister. I’d still see her regularly at home. I’d still see her regularly for the rest of her life. And for the rest of her life, she’d be my ex-girlfriend. I didn’t want that.

We got in my car and started driving home. I kept kicking myself for what I had done. A relationship without sex for months? Seeing each other every day and doing nothing more than hugging and kissing? That was nuts. I didn’t know of anyone who had a relationship like that.

“Jason sent me this,” said JJ as she showed me a selfie of Jason on a mountain bike in the woods somewhere.

“Nice,” I said after I barely looked at the picture.

What if after JJ and I break up, Mom notices that awkwardness between us and asks JJ what’s going on? And JJ tells her? What would my parents think of me? That I was some kind of monster?

A little bit later, JJ showed me a pic Rob had sent her. I said, “Cool,” after glancing at it.

JJ asked, “You okay? You’re very quiet.”

“It’s a big change.” I felt like I shouldn’t share my doubts. It was too late to say Maybe we shouldn’t have done that.

“Yeah. It is.” I felt JJ could tell I was having doubts. “I should have told you that I have an IUD. So we don’t have to worry about that.”

I kicked myself yet again. I was so hot to trot that I forgot to ask an incredibly important question. Knocking up my sister would have been a disaster.

I felt like I needed to express my doubts to some degree. “Should we have talked about it more?”

“I don’t think it’s something you can discuss rationally; make a list of pros and cons about it. We either loved each other enough to take that step or we didn’t.”

We had taken that step. Time to try to make the best of it. I squeezed JJ’s hand. “I love you, JJ.”

“I love you, too.”

The doubts and guilt were still there, but JJ had beaten them back some. We were quiet for the rest of the drive to our house. Once we were inside, JJ took my hand and together we went up the stairs to JJ’s room.

JJ started stripping down. She said to me, “Take your clothes off,” and I followed suit. I didn’t know what was going to happen.

JJ stripped to her panties and then put on the V-neck nightshirt from last night. “When Katharine bought this for me, I thought I’d only wear it at the workshop. Now, I think I might wear it regularly.” JJ gave me a coy smile.

I had stripped down to my underwear. JJ pulled back the covers and got into her bed. I joined her. She guided me to lie on my back, and she put her head on my shoulder. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and said, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I started running my fingers through her hair. I hoped JJ found it soothing. I did. Holding JJ like this made me feel warm and happy. There was nothing sexual about it, only love. Suddenly, a loving relationship with very little sex didn’t seem so far-fetched.

Could we have done a trial run of me being her secret boyfriend? Just doing kissing, hugging, and this? See if we liked it and could handle the secrecy?

I thought about it for a little bit and decided it would have been worse than what we had done. JJ and I were both sexually experienced. A G-rated relationship would have felt very shallow, and one of us saying that we didn’t want to continue would have been as painful a rejection as if I were to say that now.

It didn’t take JJ long to fall asleep. I cuddled with her until I started feeling painfully stiff. I slowly slipped out of bed, managing to keep JJ asleep. I pulled up the covers over her. I gathered my clothes and quietly exited her room.

I called my best friend from high school, Seth, and asked if I could come over. We talked for a while, went out for lunch, and then went back to his house to talk some more. Seth was pissed about spending a week at home. He had a girlfriend at college and hated being apart for a week. They were serious, but not seriously serious. He hated being back in our smallish town and felt trapped in a cage. He loved being what I considered to be a normal student in the dorms, so home held no appeal for him. I was thrilled to be home. I loved getting totally away from my pre-med studies. Saturday night, Dad and I had spent several hours in a remote field studying the heavens. That was something I couldn’t do at college. Then last night was the flirting workshop. And this morning...

Around four, I headed home. I doubted I’d visit Seth again. We had once been so close but now were too different.

JJ was in the shower when I came home. It felt very weird to step into the bathroom while she was in there. It was something so forbidden that it was hard to break the taboo. JJ gave me a wet kiss, and I went downstairs to wait for her.

When JJ came down, we sat on the couch together holding hands. I told her about my visit with Seth. We talked about our plans for the evening. After dinner, I’d go over to walk Bart, and Katharine would come here to visit. JJ emphasized that we need to keep on our typical schedule - no spending extra time together. We talked about what we felt was safe to do tonight after Mom and Dad went to bed. Mom and Dad almost never came upstairs. A family joke was that they’d board up the stairway when JJ and I moved out for good. But JJ and I decided to play it safe and make no rhythmic bed sounds that they may be tempted to investigate.